Bug Unit

Sometimes people ask about hostel living. All I can say is that it is a funny sort of nightmare. Funny haha, and funny strange. Basically, each day is the same: wake up to noise of other people, get coffee, moan about roommates, get lunch, do something, drink wine, go to bed, fight with your roommates in the middle of the night, wake up again. Let me take last night as an example: things were very jolly by the time we went to bed, everyone having had at least a bottle of wine. We were a loud, travelling, multi-cultural bunch, with Greeks, Aussies and South Africans all sitting round the table laughing and drinking and shouting (I think, to my shame, that we discussed Britney’s hair and lifestyle in very loud voices) and sharing opinions and wine. Hopa! Then came bed, all without hassle. The hassle only comes at about three in the morning, when two people check into the dorm, but are so drunk that the receptionist on duty has to turn on the lights, at three in the morning, and put these two to bed. Whereupon they begin to giggle. Ghaaaaa. This positive impression is improved upon this morning when someone in the eight bed dorm has set not one, but two alarms and is putting them both on snooze and letting them go off every five minutes until the whole room is yelling ‘Turn the *&$£”^ alarm off!’ This is a sure fire way to wake up just a tad grumpy. It would also be fine if it was once or twice, but since we have been in the hostel we have had the pleasure of sharing rooms with the following people:
1. Loud Australian drunk girl who insisted, loudly, that the room smelt like ‘feet and jizz’ in equal capacities.
2. Wierd sleeping guy, who arrived under cover of darkness, slept (and snored! and snored…and snored) for three days solid, waking up only once that we know of to pay for another night.
3. Irritating drunk couple, lying in the bed right next to me, coochy-cooing, laughing, and finally, snoring (just to be clear, of all the people you don’t want in the bed next to you, the snorer is number one)
4. More snoring people.
5. Italian men who seem physically unable to whisper. But feel the need to talk. Early on Saturday morning. In Italian.
6. Spanish girls who giggle in the middle of the night and finally….
7. Evil drunken alarm clock setting people of death

Kyle was threatening murder until I pointed out that 15 years behind bars was certainly one way to ensure you had a roommate.

The thing that makes everything all ok though is Michael. Michael is a permanent fixture in the hostel. He is on the dole, only knows how to cook pasta ‘Oh pasta, i love it me, yeah’ and everything he says makes Kyle giggle. Like, actually giggle. Every morning Michael wakes up, gets coffee and then he and Kyle have a post-mortem of who was in their rooms and how bad they were. Generally, Kyle will complain about one of the above variety of hideous roommates while Michael will nurse his coffee and say things like ‘Oh yeah, giggling were they? Prob’ly on drugs they were.”Oh snorers, ooh, I hate snorers me’ ‘Oh Italians them, yeah , they’re the worst they are, always jus’ shoutin’ Bella Bella’ . It really is hilarious. The new hostel manager accidentally booked out Michael’s bed on the weekend, so he bought a bottle of whisky and drank the whole thing until 6 am on Sunday morning, then had a bit of a kip in the showers. One thing about Michael- he has the ability to improvise. In addition to him, we have Gareth the skinhead gourmet chef, Jamie, the hard drinking Aussie manager who harbours a loud and vibrant hatred for Yarrick, the Polish manager, who keeps overbooking people’s beds so that they have to sleep on the kitchen floor, and a variety of other people cooking, eating, drinking and making the days go by.

I am sure that we will start to miss it as the days go by, but at the moment I second Kyle’s opinion this morning: bring on Thursday, so that when people walk into your room and turn on the light at 3am, you are legally allowed to beat them with something.